I went for a jog this evening, something I don’t do as often as I would like. My body doesn’t seem to relish it as much as it used to when I was a young man. What was fluid and energetic is now rough and plodding. Nonetheless, I enjoyed it. Physical movement is cathartic for me; it releases negative energy and replaces it with calm. I was lucky today, as the sun was sneaking its early rays of daylight onto the far side of the earth there were enough high-altitude wispy clouds to reflect the soft pink light the sun was leaving behind. It was beautiful against the pale blue sky. Frogs croaked; blackbirds sang their spring “Oakalee” evening song punctuated by the whistling of wings as waterfowl searched for a safe place to settle in for the night.
It is times like this that I truly feel alive and appreciate what a wonderful planet we have. I feel sorry for the walking dead that are so busy that they never notice this beauty; I regret that so often I am one of those walking dead.
I know its risky to run at my age: I am almost 69 and there are many things I shouldn’t do because they are “risky.” Some days even getting out of bed seems risky. So what? What am I hiding from? I’ve been around long enough to know that death silently stalks each one of us. Sometimes it strikes suddenly and efficiently. At other times it slowly strangles the life out of a person…seemingly drawing the end out as long as it possibly can, as if death was reluctant to end the relationship. I fear dying but I don’t fear death. I fear dying because I don’t like pain, or nausea, or being out of control. But I also find the prospect exciting – to finally know what waits on the other side! I find it interesting that we can accept that cancer will kill a person, but if a person wants to kill that cancer before it wins that is somehow immoral if it means ending their life. So many judgments. Fight to win!
So, I do things that some consider risky. I don’t have a death wish, if anything I have a “I want to really live” wish.
If I die tonight there are four things I will regret. First, I regret that I wasn’t the spiritual leader in the family that God intended me to be and as a result my daughter rejects God. That discomforts me. But I have confessed that sin and ask God to forgive me, to heal her mind, to soften her spirit and send someone into her life that can share the message of Gods love in terms she will understand. Second, I regret that I won’t be here to be a helpful surrogate “son” to my 94-year-old friend Helen. Third, I regret the mess that I leave for my son to clean up – sorry Jon. Fourth and finally, I regret that the only breasts that I have ever consciously known – my ex-wife’s – will not be there to comfort me at the end. It may sound strange to you, but to me it’s very simple. The first comforting thing a baby experiences upon being born is suckling at its mother’s breast. That place of comfort is something infants crave when they are hungry, tired, sick, or otherwise fussy. I don’t think that memory ever really leaves us. Dispensers of nourishment and providers of comfort to our children, they are magical to me. Even as an adult I loved being cuddled and comforted against their warmth and softness and I am not ashamed to admit it. God made woman magical because that is what I as a man needed.
In the end, and in spite of all the painful and uncomfortable things I have experienced here – heartbreak, divorce, loss of a child and family, rejection by a daughter – I thank God for the experience. I’ve pondered the meaning of life and the purpose of existence, here is what I’ve decided: there are important things that can only be experienced right here on this planet. God felt it was important enough that some created being experience these things so that they can share the experience with Him, and he chose us. We will know things that angels can only wonder about: the miracle of conception and birth, the love of a mother (and father) for their newborn child. The love of a parent for a teenage child. The love of a parent for a child that rejects them. Only God and parents experience that rejection. The pain of the loss of a loved one. The fear of the unknown. The willing sacrifice of one person’s life to save another. The miracle of forgiveness and mercy! As we get caught up in the day-to-day urgency of our lives we don’t often think about this life, this world, as a temporal thing. We live in fear: where will the money for … come from? What if so-and-so person doesn’t like me? Why does this person have to be sick or die? Why am I alone? Is that what God wants for us?
Our actions have consequences in this life and our decisions have consequences in the next. This is where we are tested and are found worthy or lacking. I can only speculate at this time, but I believe that the most beautiful and wonderful words I will ever hear are “Well done good and faithful servant!”