Here I am, a physical being in a physical world. Desperate for affirmation that my life means something. Surrounded by physical things, yet often alone and lonely. But just going to where other people are doesn’t solve my problem.
Of course, I have friends and acquaintances, and I have family. Most people wish me no harm, having something akin to a benign tolerance for my existence. Some of them would think “Oh, that’s too bad” or “That’s sad” if they heard I had died, or something happened to injure me. One or two might think, or say, “good riddance!” A few truly care about me and would miss me if I was gone: my son, my sister and her family, my best friend and some others I have befriended. Maybe a dozen or so. That is not many but it’s better than nothing.
So why do I go on living? There are the obvious reasons: the heart keeps beating, the body still works. The brain, although often in turmoil, keeps me functioning at some level. To be perfectly honest, there often doesn’t seem to be much reason for going on, except for the obligations and the chores that need to be done. Some nights it would be such a relief to just go to sleep and not wake up – except for the obligations and the chores that need to be done. Where is the joy in life? Where is the peace?
Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for this life – though it hasn’t met all my personal expectations. Maybe I shouldn’t have expectations and just take one day or one step at a time – keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Towards what end? My inevitable death and the pain that will cause the few that care? God’s working within me to perfect me?
I try to love, serve and worship the invisible presence we know as “God.” It’s not always easy. Actually, its usually not easy. I am a physical being in a physical world. I crave physical touch and interaction. God walked with Adam in the garden, a physical presence. God visited Abraham and talked with him and his wife Sari. How lucky they were! The Israelites had the pillar of light to follow and the arc of the covenant. Of course, we know that those things weren’t enough to prevent their repeated rebellion and disobedience. All I have is a promise that faith will be rewarded and the admonition to worship God in spirit and in truth. Jesus said “Believe in what I say, or at least believe in the miracles (I perform).” I don’t even get to see the miracles, only read about them. Oh, there are miraculous things all around me: the physical world, the birth of a baby, young love and the love between two people that lasts despite the troubles they share. But those somehow seem ordinary, expected.
I shared what I though was love. It didn’t last. Or maybe I’m just the world’s biggest jerk. Once injured by a failed love it can be a challenge to trust again. Bits of your soul are torn off and dragged away with the person who deserts you.
I admire the innocence and courage of youth. The lucky ones walk out of their parent’s house to begin life on their own thinking “I’ve got he world by the tail!” The unlucky ones are thrown out, abused so that they run away, or neglected so that they wander out on their own. How I worry about all of them. I know what is lurking outside that door. Independence yes, and opportunities for achievement and happiness. But who wants to see any of these precious creatures suffer pain, injury and disappointment? Yet I can’t expect or ask them to cower behind their parent’s door in fear. That is not what their loving parents want for them either. So, we fight the instinct to dig our fingers into their flesh and hold them back – to keep them safe. All we can do is to try to give them the tools they need to be successful and overcome adversity. The ambition to succeed is something they either have or they don’t. We offer them a safe harbor to return to if it becomes necessary – unconditional love and acceptance even in the face of indifference or rejection. We hope that their faith is real and we pray that our loving God will protect them and fill them with the Holy Spirit to guide, convict and comfort them.
Kahle Jennings, Christmas Day 2018