QUESTION: If we tell women to dress modestly so that they don’t temp men to look at them as just a sexual object, then what is the message we are sending men? Or to rephrase the question, are we blaming women (women are responsible) for the actions of men? Or to put it another way, it is OK for men to treat women as a sexual object if they dress provocatively.
Of course it is not OK for men to treat women as objects to be used solely for their (men’s) pleasure. I think that is the wrong question. The question is “Do women’s behaviors influence how men think about them?”
I am going to make three points and then provide a succinct answer to the question asked.
My first point is that what we would like to be true is, in many cases, not true. Here are two examples: “I should be able to eat whatever I want, and as much as I want, and not gain weight or become unhealthy.” “I should be able to drive as fast as I want and not get hurt.” We know that the world does not work this way: laws of nature ensure that certain actions lead to the probability of certain outcomes. Why then should it be any more realistic to believe that “I should be able to dress however I want and not be judged for it!”, or to put it another way, “I should be able to dress however I want and not have men think of me as a sexual object.” I am not saying this is right, but that it is reality. It is truth. Men, in general, are wired genetically to seek out women for approval and sex. That also puts women in a position of some power: to grant or withhold these things men desire. Denying those inevitable outcomes is just deluding yourself.
Humans are constantly making observations and judgments about one another. This is true both in the secular world and in the “Christian” world. “That person looks dirty and unkempt.” “That person looks ugly.” That person looks poor.” That person looks friendly.” “That person looks unhappy.” “That person looks mean.” “That person looks like they don’t approve of me.” “That person looks attractive.” “That person looks sexually arousing.” Which of the above people do you want to be around?
My second point is about what I label “Peacocking” and “Fishing.” I picked the term Peacocking to describe something both women and men do to attract each others attention – “Look at me, look at ME!”. Men typically Peacock using objects such as flashy or fast cars, or attention getting behaviors such as athletic prowess, humor, risky behavior, or showcasing wealth, status or accomplishment. Women typically Peacock through their appearance rather than behavior. That includes their clothing, nails, hair colors, and I think more and more, piercings and tattoos. Women can and do use behavior, however those behaviors usually draw attention to their appearance. Society and media convince women that they have to be beautiful, thin and attractively/expensively dressed all the time and dressing revealingly is widely accepted and encouraged from the youngest ages. Unfortunately, and paradoxically, women themselves are usually the enforcers of these expectations. They quickly flatter each other with approving comments “Oh that blouse is so cute on you!” or cut each other down with disapproving comments about their appearance. Maybe I am the exception among men, but I usually didn’t care how well dressed or made up my wife was. What was important was that she liked me and wanted to spend time with me.
Women often escalate Peacocking to include fishing or “luring” men with just a little bit (or a lot) of flesh, or tight clothing that revels their curves because they know it works to get men’s attention. The message men receive when women “fish” is “Hey, look at what I’ve got, pay some attention to me and maybe you can see/have more! They are fishing, their bodies are the bait. Or the temptation of sex is the bait. It works. They know it works. It has always worked. God created women to be physically attractive to men. How was King David tempted? He saw Bathsheba bathing. He liked what he saw and we know the rest of the story. (2 Samuel 11:2-4). Problems arise when women don’t recognize their affect on men, don’t care, or use it deliberately get attention or to manipulate men. Many men don’t have a lot of self-control. They will pay attention to the bait and there are some who aren’t opposed to using coercion or force to obtain the bait when you push them too far. Not fair? Not right? Reality. Try thinking about it from men’s perspective….all this attractive bait floating around and you aren’t supposed to notice or bite?
Although the first and second points apply to everyone to one degree or another, there is a third point that applies specifically to those who claim to adhere to the “Christian” faith. The third point is this: How is a person (in this case, a woman) walking with Christ. A person (woman) who claims to adhere to the teaching of Christ needs to ask themselves “How does Jesus want a believer (woman) to act as they serve as his representative or ambassador in this world?” To be clear, this applies to men who claim to adhere to the teaching of Christ as well.
More and more often I find myself saying “I am concerned when we make ‘Christianity’ out to be much too easy.” I know that “For it is by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast.” (Ephesians 2:8 and 9). But what about the very next verse: “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:10). What are those good works? They are often not easy or natural.
What are the qualities of a woman who is truly trying to represent Jesus here on this planet? I am sure you are familiar with Proverbs 31:10-31. Some will object that “This describes the things a woman (an “Excellent wife”) was expected to do thousands of years ago.” That is true about the specifics, but Christ always looked at the motivation behind the action, so I ask that you not stumble over the specific actions listed, but ask yourself “What are the underlying motivations of that woman?”
New testament references to Christ-like behavior include:
And let not your adornment be external only – braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, and putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. (1 Peter 3:3-4)
Do you not know that you are a temple (sanctuary) of God, and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? (1 Corinthians 3:16) Or do you not know that your body is a temple (sanctuary) of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price:therefore glorify God with you body. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom (in whom) you were sealed for the day of redemption. (Ephesians 4:30)
Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body that you should obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body as instruments (weapons) of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God a those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments (weapons) of righteousness to God. For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law, but under grace. What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? May it never be! (Romans 6:12-15)
And He said to His disciples, “It is inevitable that stumbling blocks (temptations to sin) should come, but woe to him through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea, than that he should cause one of these little ones to stumble.” (Luke 17:1-2)
Therefore bring forth fruit in keeping with your repentance; (Matthew 3:8)
You will know (recognize) them by their fruits. Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes, nor figs from thistles, are they? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit; but the rotten tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a rotten tree produce good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. (Matthew 7:16-19)
CONCLUSION – MY ANSWER TO THE QUESTION
The message women send men by dressing conservatively is “Its OK to be attracted to me, in fact I like that you are attracted to me if you are a high-value male, but I am more than a physical body; I am more than an object to gratify your instinctive desires. Get to know me as a person and show me you value who I am, then I may trust you, open up to you, and desire to get to know you.”
KJ – 10/23/20